.... the Florence in me has been silent for quite sometime. Not that she has grown weary of the
work, there is no weariness when you allow a HIGHER force to work thru you.
The silence does not come from lack of 'people stories'. There are always 'people stories' even when no one speaks.
It is just that I have grown to realize that Caring thru a
Florence Vocation doesn't have to be
from a
Florence Standpoint. Caring is from within, but further deeper still, from a place I can only write about.
I can only write about this place because I am still trying to find a way to keep my SELF within its walls.
But I know that the place from somewhere deep within, is in ALL of us. I know that the CARING is in fact in ALL of us, underneath the fear, the mistrust, the uncertainty and the anger.
It is one thing to be in a ROLE where you HAVE to wear the CARING HAT. It is another thing to live outside that ROLE and find it in your SELF to simply "Love your brother and sister."
A few weeks ago my heart was saddened. I was working with a peer whom I had high respect for in what she did, and how she cared. We had this conversation and she outrightly told me that "I couldn't care less if these people die or not. It's just a job and all I want to do is to do my job and get out of here at the end of the shift. I'm not going to put in any bit of energy for these people. They mean nothing to me anyway."
DF:
"But I watch you, and you CARE so much! I'm always in awe at how much you do for them and how patient you are with them ...""That? I'm just acting. That's just an act I do. It's all I can do to get me thru the shift."
DF:
"You're kidding ? RIght? You really don't THINK like that, do you?""Of course I do! I'm not kidding. I don't really CARE. I told you that before, I really don't care. And you shouldn't too. It's just a waste of time."
It was hard to take in what she had told me. After months of working beside her and admiring her
nursing, it was hard to take in what she said.
I did not get angry. I was definitely saddened at how I misjudged her. I try not to judge her now for she still continues to act very, very well.
The point of that little story is, it almost doesn't seem to matter from where the CARING comes from, for something HIGHER than thou, will always know anyway.
As well, I have to say, that although she is a very good nurse (on the outside), she is known to have very difficult shifts with her patients.
I, on the other hand continue to find enjoyment, love and peace in the
work. I've mentioned before that I've learned to use the
work as a form of meditation, and I still do to this day.
Less we forget what we have, where we're going or who we even are, you can be sure that we ALL CAME from the same place, we're ALL going back to the same place, and if we've forgotten who we are, we only need to look to the next person closest to us in proximity.
Often we wonder how we could ever (universally) LOVE the person we see walking down the street, or the guy that cuts us off the road. Consequently, we also need to ask ourselves how we can LEARN to BETTER LOVE the person we see in the mirror.
)
